07 Oct 2022
Good day! Yes, this is yet another blog of mine. Since when blogging became the trend again? I guess, I just wanted this blog to be a private space of mine to pen down my inner thoughts and feelings that I do not think others needa know. It gonna be searchable anyway, so if you manage to find it, you find it and welcome to my world. :D
I went through a series of emotional roller coaster the past 2 months? And I started to question myself and the purpose of the things I do. Ever since I got married, I was placed in a new phase of life that I am all so unfamiliar. Where was the freedom and control that I used to have in my life? Now, it will include my wife as well. There were alot of considerations before any commitment could be made on my daily activities or things we gonna do together. But, I guess, these just comes along in the package of marriage, to live a life together and also for my own growth. I just feel thankful that Ka Min has been an understanding and supportive partner and I also think she's doing her best.
I admit truthfully that I am not an easy person to love. I like to take control and make decisions, I enjoyed trying new things and do things alone, and got used to it. This is something I thoroughly understood that I need a balance, I need to have her included in my life while also preserve the me time that I truly cherished.
Nevertheless, living together has brought about many learnings and realisations for both of us. We understood alot more about our ideals, values, lifestyles and habits. Some of which I really could not fathom, I believe same for her as well. I guess, the heartwarming thing is that, we both understood that we aint angels, we are unique individuals. We can only communicate and accomodate. We do not quarrel alot like any other couples you can think of, but we do have disagreements that happen on and off.
Just so recently, she made the effort to whip up lunch for me when I told her specifically that I do not need lunch as I was still full from breakfast. The conversations during the lunch was abit insensitive as I directed more on the cost savings etc (she is very very money sensitive - somehting I could not really understand) and she got upset that I "did not appreciate" her effort of doing something for me.
Her love language is definitely "Acts of Service", but I really cannot, and can never get used to being taken care of, and served. I think the years of my Buddhist practice, I am very used to be the one taking care of others, I just did not feel comfortable of being taken care of, or served. I was just telling Nick 2 days ago that if I had wanted something, I can do it myself. Especially for this situation where I already told her I did not need lunch, and she still cooked it perplexed me. But on hindsight, I think it was also my bad that I should have been more sensitive to how she feels and maybe communicate these things with her in a more amirable way. Well, it's all learnings that we have to undertake in the journey of marriage.
There are just too many things inside a married life that I am still learning and growing. I can feel bad and lousy in these episodes but there was no need to. I just need to constantly reflect and work on becoming the best partner for her. I am sure that she's also doing the same for me as well.
